Haven't written anything in a while..I've thought about it, but always told myself that I have nothing to write about. Well, I do..I have TOO much to write about..so much has gone on this year so far..
And yet I sit here half-heartedly staring at the screen with nothing to type except that there's nothing to type.
I feel like I'm alone, I don't know..I used to talk to Chris all the time, I used to hang out with him all the time..I used to get along with him all the time. It never happens anymore. Nothing happens. He was just in Vegas for 9 days, and he came back on Tuesday, we hung out Tuesday night..and then just saw each other at school. Then on Friday he left for his grandma's and I haven't talked to him since Friday on the bus. Now, this Tuesday (two days) I'm going on this Peer Helper retreat thing where I'll be gone until Wednesday night..then Thursday night I have Driver's Ed..so I'll probably get to see him Friday and that's it. I'm just so SICK of being obsessively in love with him..and him either not caring..or not being able to love me like I love him. His mom hates me more than ever..like that's news? My parents think I should just give up on him because they see what I put myself through.
And he never will.
Then there's always the fact that I won't feel normal if he isn't with me..if I don't have him. We share so much..and I can't tell myself to stop loving him. It hurts just thinking about thinking about it. Yet I know that as soon as I see him tomorrow, I won't be able to tell him anything about this. I'll have to be the grown-up Mandy who never feels hurt or selfish or jealous. I'm sick of pretending. Ha, no one's actually going to read this..and that entertains me I suppose. I used to think I wrote this journal because Chris would read it. Who am I kidding? Like he has TIME for ME? Not. I'll sit up and wait for him to call me, but I all ready know he won't. He never calls.
You can stare at the phone forever, but it only rings when you never want it to.
I can't wait to get my license in January, there's no way in hell I'll be sitting around here. There's no way I'll be wasting my life waiting for something to drastically change it. I'm sick of waiting, and yet I'm so scared of change. It doesn't matter, I can't do anything to make myself feel better. I've tried.
Somtimes I feel..I could drop off the face of the Earth. It seems I do more harm than good.
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