I decided tonight, noting that I failed to find my sleep.. Rather, I didn't fail, I haven't tried to sleep as of yet..I haven't felt tired. Anyway, I decided to meander through my old livejournal entries, remember the past. I've broken up with Chris..yes..wow..I broke up with Chris.
I broke up with Chris.
It's interesting typing that, I've never seen that particular phrase written out before..the entirety of my livejournal is dedicated to our perilous relationship..former-perilous relationship. We've been broken up for two months and I rarely think about him. Strike that. I don't think about him. Actually, I'm in a relationship with this guy..I met online..(save it.) Matthew. He's sweet. So sweet. I love him, and I wish I could give him everything. About our relationship: He lives in Alabama. Yeah, that's pretty far..that's like 4 states away. Basically an eternity. But anyway..our relationship is composed mainly of phone calls and text messages. A fairly meager intimate relationship by the likes of my standards. After Chris, I learned to save some part of myself for..myself. I learned that giving up oneself leads to heartbreak. Not a very splendid lesson. I'm just afraid to give..anyone..everything I have, which prevents me from handing my entire self over to Matthew. For the most part, I have..we talk and text for hours on end..but sometimes I feel that's a poor decision. For one, we'll have to wait a lifetime to be together..and hopefully it'll last that long.
Back to the topic at large.
I was paging through my old entries as I previously mentioned, to remember the past. However, through this act i realized..the past isn't real. The past is a memory. The past won't lead me down the correct path tomorrow, nor can it erase the road I've henseforth traversed. The past is, and I should let it be. Just that. Just let it be. Let it be the past, let it be a memory. I discontinued my entry paging about half-way through.. to say the least. I then commensed to journal about the now. The right now. I am happy. I am healthy, and I am me. I am no one else. I am me. I am warm. My feet are cold. That is the reality I face. That is the realism..my feet are cold. I should get some socks. No, that's the future. SHOULD. I SHOULD. I SHOULD go to college. I SHOULD get all A's. I SHOULD merit an excellently paying job and marry a husband who knows how to cook lobster and master a fireplace. I SHOULD...implying I AM NOT, but MIGHT be. No. I AM. I am alive. I am breathing. I am life, and I am all there ever was or ever needs to be.
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