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Subject:Well, I'm alive.
Time:01:12 am
I decided tonight, noting that I failed to find my sleep.. Rather, I didn't fail, I haven't tried to sleep as of yet..I haven't felt tired. Anyway, I decided to meander through my old livejournal entries, remember the past. I've broken up with Chris..yes..wow..I broke up with Chris.

I broke up with Chris.

It's interesting typing that, I've never seen that particular phrase written out before..the entirety of my livejournal is dedicated to our perilous relationship..former-perilous relationship. We've been broken up for two months and I rarely think about him. Strike that. I don't think about him. Actually, I'm in a relationship with this guy..I met online..(save it.) Matthew. He's sweet. So sweet. I love him, and I wish I could give him everything. About our relationship: He lives in Alabama. Yeah, that's pretty far..that's like 4 states away. Basically an eternity. But anyway..our relationship is composed mainly of phone calls and text messages. A fairly meager intimate relationship by the likes of my standards. After Chris, I learned to save some part of myself for..myself. I learned that giving up oneself leads to heartbreak. Not a very splendid lesson. I'm just afraid to give..anyone..everything I have, which prevents me from handing my entire self over to Matthew. For the most part, I have..we talk and text for hours on end..but sometimes I feel that's a poor decision. For one, we'll have to wait a lifetime to be together..and hopefully it'll last that long.

Back to the topic at large.

I was paging through my old entries as I previously mentioned, to remember the past. However, through this act i realized..the past isn't real. The past is a memory. The past won't lead me down the correct path tomorrow, nor can it erase the road I've henseforth traversed. The past is, and I should let it be. Just that. Just let it be. Let it be the past, let it be a memory. I discontinued my entry paging about half-way through.. to say the least. I then commensed to journal about the now. The right now. I am happy. I am healthy, and I am me. I am no one else. I am me. I am warm. My feet are cold. That is the reality I face. That is the realism..my feet are cold. I should get some socks. No, that's the future. SHOULD. I SHOULD. I SHOULD go to college. I SHOULD get all A's. I SHOULD merit an excellently paying job and marry a husband who knows how to cook lobster and master a fireplace. I SHOULD...implying I AM NOT, but MIGHT be. No. I AM. I am alive. I am breathing. I am life, and I am all there ever was or ever needs to be.

I am.
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Current Music:Panic! at the disco...
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Subject:I'm not sure, of anything.
Time:07:05 pm
Current Mood:artisticartistic
So life is good right now. I don't know, it's doubtful anyone will read this, so if you do..pretend you haven't.

I don't know, I haven't been so tied up with Chris anymore. I mean, we still hang out (sometimes) but I no longer wait for him to call, I have a life now..
I hung out with Nick O'Connor yesterday..and it was great. He's a lot of fun to hang out with and I really liked talking with him.
I'm a dork.
The only thing that pisses me off about not hanging out with Chris is when he cancels plans at the LAST fucking minute. Like today for example..he told me this morning that he would hang out with me today after school, so I didn't make any plans for after school. Then, fucking 8th hour he tells me, "Oh, well I don't know if I'm going to come over, I'll think about it during 9th period." So I'm thinking, oh my god he can't be serious. So at the end of school he says "Yeah, I'm just going to go home and play video games." Which WOULD HAVE BEEN FINE would he have told me about it at the BEGINNING OF THE DAY. But no, then I'm expected to just sit home because he cancels plans. It pisses me off. Whatever. I honestly DO NOT care anymore.
I don't NEED him to have my own life anymore. I have a life without him.
This weekend looks busy for me, tomorrow..all night dance for middle schoolers. Saturday..party or hanging out with Nick..and Sunday either playing Risk or hanging out with Nick. Haven't decided WHAT I'm doing, but I WILL be doing shit all weekend. Fun! :):)
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Subject:Another wasted kiss that's robbed of all it's passion.
Time:11:27 pm
Current Mood:crushedcrushed
So I just got back from bowling and having people over. I don't know. It was all fun..but I swear Chris ignores me. I know he won't read this..so whatever. He doesn't care enough to actually want to read this. It's just, he said about 5 words to me at the bowling alley..didn't hug me..didn't kiss me..at all. Then we got back to my house and he didn't sit my me..didn't talk to me...and then he was just bragging about how he was so much better than me at Mortal Kombat (we needed something to do..so we all just kind played video games.) So whatever, then I wanted to play just me versus him, and he was like "no, I'm not playing, No." so whatever, then I went to put away my coat downstairs and he comes down there and says something..I don't know what..and he was going to leave and I was like "wow, I don't even get a hug or kiss or goodbye or nothing." and he says "Well, I didn't think you wanted one." and gives me a kiss..which I don't even remember..

He doesn't even want to talk to me on AIM.

I can't take it, I can't take this.
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Current Music:~None~
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Subject:Am I more than you bargained for yet?
Time:10:01 pm
Current Mood:lethargiclethargic
So tomorrow's Thanksgiving. I don't know. Each day seems to bleed into the other like some uncontrolable pandemic disease. I'm not so sure I like it, but I'm still alive so I guess that's good. I have SO much homework to do over break it isn't even funny: Social studies review, Art project, English rough draft, and that Spanish final copy thing. It's ridiculous.
I wish I could have spent Thanksgiving with Chris, but I'm at my gramma's and I'll get to talk to Alicyn tomorrow so that will be good. I haven't talked to her in forever. I wish Chris and I would get over this whole "let's fight and make up right away" routine we've been replaying over and over. I think..maybe if he'd pay attention to what I'm saying instead of just getting mad...we'd all ready be over it. I wish I could go shopping right now..apparently I'm going shopping on Friday, but who knows with that..it's my mom we're talking about here, like her plans are reliable haha. Wow, my grandma's house is really hot. It's so different from my house which is pretty much an icecavern.

My hair is gonna look so bad tomorrow because I didn't bring my straightener or crimper. That sucks for me.

I'm really tired.. how peculiar.
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Current Music:Fall Out Boy~Chicago Is So Two Years Ago
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Subject:Writing used to cure me.
Time:10:01 pm
Current Mood:crushedcrushed

Haven't written anything in a while..I've thought about it, but always told myself that I have nothing to write about. Well, I do..I have TOO much to write about..so much has gone on this year so far..

And yet I sit here half-heartedly staring at the screen with nothing to type except that there's nothing to type.

I feel like I'm alone, I don't know..I used to talk to Chris all the time, I used to hang out with him all the time..I used to get along with him all the time. It never happens anymore. Nothing happens. He was just in Vegas for 9 days, and he came back on Tuesday, we hung out Tuesday night..and then just saw each other at school. Then on Friday he left for his grandma's and I haven't talked to him since Friday on the bus. Now, this Tuesday (two days) I'm going on this Peer Helper retreat thing where I'll be gone until Wednesday night..then Thursday night I have Driver's Ed..so I'll probably get to see him Friday and that's it. I'm just so SICK of being obsessively in love with him..and him either not caring..or not being able to love me like I love him. His mom hates me more than ever..like that's news? My parents think I should just give up on him because they see what I put myself through.

And he never will.

Then there's always the fact that I won't feel normal if he isn't with me..if I don't have him. We share so much..and I can't tell myself to stop loving him. It hurts just thinking about thinking about it. Yet I know that as soon as I see him tomorrow, I won't be able to tell him anything about this. I'll have to be the grown-up Mandy who never feels hurt or selfish or jealous. I'm sick of pretending. Ha, no one's actually going to read this..and that entertains me I suppose. I used to think I wrote this journal because Chris would read it. Who am I kidding? Like he has TIME for ME? Not. I'll sit up and wait for him to call me, but I all ready know he won't. He never calls.

You can stare at the phone forever, but it only rings when you never want it to.

I can't wait to get my license in January, there's no way in hell I'll be sitting around here. There's no way I'll be wasting my life waiting for something to drastically change it. I'm sick of waiting, and yet I'm so scared of change. It doesn't matter, I can't do anything to make myself feel better. I've tried.

Somtimes I feel..I could drop off the face of the Earth. It seems I do more harm than good.
I don't know if it's worth me losing sleep over this.

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Current Music:Fallout Boy.
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Subject:Go nuts.
Time:11:46 pm
Current Mood:relaxedrelaxed
1.Have we kissed?:
2.Do you want to?:
3.What would you like our relationship to be?:
4.Have we dated?:
5.Did you like it?:
6.Do you want to date?:
7.Are we close friends?:
8.Would you be here if I needed you?:
9.Are you attracted to me?:
10.Mentally, sexually, or both?:
11.Do you love me?:

Appearance
Do you like my-
12.Face?:
13.Eyes?:
14.Lips?:
15.Body?:
16.Arms?:
17.Legs?:
18.Clothes?:
19.Ass?:
20.Hands?:
21.Hair?:

Do think I'm-
22.Sexy?:
23.Beautiful?:
24.Hot?:
25.Cute?:

Personality
Do you think I'm-
26.Crazy?:
27.Nice?:
28.Fun to be around?:
29.Funny?:
30.Annoying?:

Would you..
31.Share chocolate with me?:
32.Spend a weekend with me?:
33.Alone?:
34.Hook up with me?:
35:Do me?:
36.Care if I ran away?:
37.Care if I died?:
38.Miss me if I left?:
39.Hang out with me?:

What would you do if..
40.I kissed you?:
41.You found out I was missing?:
42.You found out I was in the hospital?:
43.You found out I was dead?:
44.I cried?:
45.I asked you for help?:
46.I told you I loved you?:
47.I told you I hated you?:
48.Someone told you I wanted you to kiss me?:
49.Someone told you I had a crush on you?:

In the last week have you..
50.Wanted to kiss me?:
51.Wanted to see me?:
52.Wanted to chill with me?:
53.Wanted to tell me you loved me?:
54.Wanted to spend alone time with me? *wink*:
55.Wanted to get to know me better?:
56.Thought about me?:
57.Missed me?:
58.Wanted me?:
59.Seen me?:
60.Kissed me?:

Have I..
61.Kissed you?
62.Hugged you?
63.Told you I loved you?:
64.Made you happy?:
65.Made you sad?:
66.Made you angry?:
67.Made you feel better if you were upset?:

Are you..
68.Happy you know me?:
69.Going to post this is so I can answer it?:
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Current Music:My Chemical Romance
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Subject:I'm not okay (I promise)
Time:05:12 pm
Current Mood:annoyedannoyed
So today, I woke up at around 10ish. Chris didn't call me until 3 so my day was pretty much gone. I decided that I'd talk to Joe and see if Paige and him wanted to do something..but Paige couldn't so whatever, I'll see them on Saturday.

I can't wait for registration...it's unbelievable.
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Current Music:Ender will Save us All.
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Subject:It's cruel but...
Time:10:50 am
Current Mood:okayokay
So I'm home. I came home early because blah blah Savannah didn't want to stay at my gramma's house and I had to come home with her. It's good though because now I can see CHRIS. I mean, I won't be able to see Ally or my cousin, but I'll just have to make the best of it. Chris came over before I was home yesterday, so I really did see him AS SOON as I got home, hah.

I really want to go to the mall but I don't have a ride there so eh.

I should probably go back to cleaning and getting ready..but I'm feeling a little lazy right now?
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Current Music:Falloutboy?
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Subject:I'm not sure of anyone...
Time:07:28 pm
Current Mood:listlesslistless
All I can think of is how much I miss him right now. I've been at my gramma's house and I haven't seen Chris in a week. Now, you'd think that'd be okay because we could still talk on the phone and online and everything, but no. He's been with his church in Boston since Wednesday..five days without talking to him..I thought he was coming back tonight but..apparently he's coming back tomorrow. Great. I was so excited to talk to him ALL day today...but I'm used to let downs?

So far at my gramma's I've:
Gone to falls fest with Ally and hung out!
Spent the night at Ally's and had such fun
Shopped until I dropped (literately)..7 hours!
Hung out with Alicyn, caught up on some old stuff, and shopped again.
Attended birthday parties for family!
GOTTEN MY TEMPS, and I know I'm gonna run someone over
Started knitting a very b-e-a-utiful scarf, with lime green fringes!
Read some Harry Potter (sorry Billy...didn't get to the 6th one yet)
Watched Sky High, and loved it.
Missed Chris, Minnie, and my mom A LOT! (times 1239042780357298375289375)
Collected mucho Neopets (and not a single SPECIAL one..darn)
Planned on hanging out with Chris AS SOON as I get back home!
Gone school shopping..BATMAN PACKBACK!
Written in my livejournal ;).

Also, can't wait to go to six flags with you-know-whom. School is SO close I'm scared, but excited. I hope my mom gets my schedule changed tomorrow. If not I'll be mad and I'll start rioting in her bedroom. but yeah.










...(anyone), but I've got plans.
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Current Music:Fallout Boy...
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Subject:So bury me in your memory...
Time:10:49 pm
Current Mood:sillysilly
Today was a good day. Ha no it really wasn't, well it kind of was. Chris came over and we played video games. And yes, if you were wondering, I beat him severely. Tomorrow..party at Kendrick's? Yeah, we'll definately be opening up the keg there! Haha, yeah. After that, Sunday I'm going to my gramma's around noon. Then falls fest..probably seeing Alicyn there..and then hanging out with Ally and maybe staying there? Then possibly going shopping and various other exciting activities..

Chris, I love you and I'll miss you so much. Have fun at with your church friends! ;);) Haha.
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[icon] I'm living in your letters
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